“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
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FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!
Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?
Me: why…did it sneeze?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”