Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.

Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.

[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra

I like donuts.

Twitter:

I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!

Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️

Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?

Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy

Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril

I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.

I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.

Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.

It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this

Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask

Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.

It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁

QUESTIONNAIRE

Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No

X

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.

doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection

me: are there any steps I can take

doctor: not after I’m done

*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*

There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.

dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone

“Someone should really clean these gutters,” I say out loud, having lived alone for a decade.

When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!