you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
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Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall
How did we not see this back then?
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
soup is great for when you’re starving but want to still feel starving afterward.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I want to be financially secure enough to pass up a dime lying in a parking lot. Like “I’ll leave that for someone who needs it”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.