you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
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You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?
one thing about September, everyday is about 5 people’s birthday 😭😭
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry