you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
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“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
I’m bout to start telling people “land your plane” when they’re talking in circles..
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
Painting your own toenails is a great way to save a few bucks and to realize you’ve gained weight since the last time you painted your own toenails.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
