Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS

PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.

Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

Bruh

I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”

Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-

running back in the house for
something you forgot.

Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*

Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.

I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.

I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.

AND ANOTHER THING, is a person in a casket a hot dog, sandwich or ravioli?

If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.

Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.

Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack

Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?

Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down

The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea

If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.

“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet

doctor: no heavy exercise for a month

me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something

dr: normal activity should be fine

me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling

dr: uh

me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side

I remember when all this was farmland!

*gestures toward internet*

Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is

My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.

It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.

When I google how to fix something on my car, I don’t want a fucking ‘AI summary’ I want a 57-year-old guy who still looks painfully uncomfortable on camera after making 3,000 auto repair videos

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.