You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
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I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
Reasons why my toddler is screaming: he offered his food to the dog and she ate it. this happens every single day. he is always surprised
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces