You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
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Hey cell phone companies, I can’t think of a more terrifying selling point than “Unlimited Talk.”
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My Sentiments Exactly
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
I can’t be the only one 😂
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?