You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
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I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
me
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty