You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
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My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.