You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
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3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Somebody asked me if I could go back in time if I would kill baby Hitler. Hold up. Hitler was a baby? This shit just keeps getting crazier
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
me refusing to leave twitter
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
My God, have you lost your marbles?
Yes, she whispers.
I secure the basement door. Monstrous sounds emanate. The hippos are so very hungry.
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.