Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”

“OMG, it’s so big!”

(Your ego)

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.

What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)

Husband: *singing pop song*

Tween: Mom, do something.

Me: *starts dancing*

by practically any metric, ashley’s first day was going rather poorly

SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR

🫶

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.

The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.

Doctor: Please step on the scale

Me: No weigh

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.

When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”

I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’

When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.