“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
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Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.