Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I missed your call

I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.

i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit

[inventor of the snooze button]

ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless

I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.

Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.

If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.

I was gonna make a run for the border, but I remembered I’m in Canada so nah

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.

Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.

Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?

Witch: No, I’m making La Croix

*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*

If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate

That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?

Romeo: New phone. Who dis?

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.

Petition to lower the retirement age. I’m tired now.

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too