You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
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i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
Thinking about a snail with a limp
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.