You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
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Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
4 pm:
5 pm:
6 pm:
7 pm:
8 pm:
9 pm:
9:59 pm:12 year old: I need some glitter, crayons and posterboard for school tomorrow
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do