Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult

At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

The good witch: are you a good witch or a bad witch?

Dorothy: I’ve never heard of a good witch.

TGW: the bad witches look old and ugly.

Dorothy: so…ummm…what are you trying to say?

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!

I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding

“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

My dad teaching me to drive

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.

Wife: can u unstack the dishwasher?
Me opening dishwasher, taking out large knife & cutting my hand off: I can’t, there’s been an accident.

coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

on instagram reading the end of all of your long captions first because I gotta know: 👏🏽IS 👏🏽IT 👏🏽THEIR 👏🏽BIRTHDAY 🤔OR 👏🏽ARE 👏🏽THEY 👏🏽DEAD👏🏽

The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.

“Pease porridge hot”
Sure.

“Pease porridge cold”
Less desirable, but I guess.

“Pease porridge in the pot nine days old”
Ok, now this is just starting to sound like a health code violation

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Waking up extra early gives you more time and helps you focus. On all that extra time you could have been asleep.

FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?

ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.

I’d use my best pan on you.

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

friend: can i tell you something

me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis

*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please