You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
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[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
My greatest magic trick is making stuff magically appear before me in the exact location my husband said he couldn’t find it.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!