You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
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Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
they don’t specify how you should touch the grass, you can just go punch the shit out of someone’s lawn
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.