You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
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Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Straight people are cancelled
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!