You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
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Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Hang in there buddy
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: It feels like you misheard the class description
Me: Why do you say that
The parrot on my shoulder: Why do you say that
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
uncle dave has been through hell
Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”