You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
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Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
mood
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Do you even want to be awake?
A) No
B) A
C) B
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.