Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

🤭

When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.

He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.

teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number

me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that

The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.

Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.

I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color

INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian

BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: I’m not eating this piece of apple until you take the skin off.

Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream

“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer

Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.

Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.

Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween

-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

me: i wish i could have sex before i die

genie: granted

me: [873 years old] motherfu

Cats are still liquid.

Each second of this is more amazing than the last

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

My morning yoga routine has really helped shift my lower back pain into my upper back.

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.