Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]

Me: It’s muggy out there.

Guy: I’ll be fine.

*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.

M: Told you.

Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!

Dishonest mechanic?

If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend

Me: That’s a raccoon

Son:

Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.

She wasn’t like other girls.

She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.

And prom was in one week…

I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.

“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”

I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.

*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*

Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.

*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*

Once you realize there is no going back, a guy with a time machine appears in your life and ruins everything.

#damn

I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.

Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?

Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus package

Me : 🤦🏾‍♂️

Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.

This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?

Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you

– cluckbait

they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings

i casually mentioned to my wife how ive started smiling with my eyes at work to signal no-threat and increase a sense of camaraderie and she’s like “what what do you mean smile with your eyes” and i showed her and she told me to never make that face again

Agent: I have a script for you.

Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?

Agent: Yes.

Radcliffe: I’ll do it.