You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
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2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
a fate I wish upon no one
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
requesting PTO at work is so embarrassing. “hi boss permission to enjoy my life for 3 days?”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong