You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
![]()
You Might Also Like
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
That eye roll….
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Left at a local drug store…
![]()
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.