Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So my car made a noise and..

Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.

*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message

Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?

So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it

I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass

[later at thanksgiving dinner]

aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?

me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it

LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.

People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.

When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

This is what happens when people grow up without watching Final Destination.

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.

Husband: But the seal is right th….

Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!

To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.

[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?

When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?

Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”

[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please

Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.

*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night

Eeeekkk go for it 😂😂

I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.

I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..