Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.

If you see a lady in her bikini chasing her hot tub lid on highway 6, I’m not on drugs and you should mind your own business or help me.

Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory

No weirdos

“you guys will complain about anything” yeah im on the complain app

ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!

MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.

I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year

Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.

Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.

Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years

Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

Absolutely no one:

Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*

Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!

With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.

I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.

No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness

It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade

Genetics are weird. Like only 1 of the kids got my hair color but all of them got my husband’s inability to fully close a drawer.

[making tennis equipment at 3AM]

neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket

To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”

Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”

”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.