You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
You Might Also Like
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.
My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.
What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?