Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grocery guy here with a reminder…

You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒

Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot

“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”

“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids

“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

I fucking love Gary Larson so much

Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3

Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)

Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

911: what’s your emergency sir

me: I can’t find my butler

911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir

me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?

I did not take a DNA test…

Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…

[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”

Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing

having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

me: dating is hard

me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid

I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…

When they try to steal your moment.

Time for evil

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

Happy Halloween 🎃

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts