Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Breaking news:

Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.

“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…

me: fork.

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.

The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day

Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone

I can’t stop laughing 🤣

My son just won the Most Unused Napkin award at dinner

It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.

Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.

Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it

Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.

they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome

Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day

We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.

I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

[first day as a negotiator]

me: ok

ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor