@NikiWithIssues

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

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@mrjohndarby

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

@WheelTod

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

@Jimmywibbles

*4YO and I slo-mo run towards each other*

4: I didn’t pee the bed daddy!

Me: Me neither!

*big hug*

It was a big night for both of us.

@Angibangie

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

@lilnatebigworld

“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*

@SSDated

You’re only as awkward as you say you are…out loud…in front of people…who were in a private conversation…that didn’t involve you.

@TheMichaelRock

Some guy robbed a local gas station and stole $700 worth of cigarettes. I wonder what he’ll do with both packs.

@stevevsninjas

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

@OneFunnyMummy

Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.

After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!