You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
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Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Cats (2019)
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?