Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
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I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
*4YO and I slo-mo run towards each other*
4: I didn’t pee the bed daddy!
Me: Me neither!
It was a big night for both of us.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
I always click the unfollow button with my middle finger .
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
You’re only as awkward as you say you are…out loud…in front of people…who were in a private conversation…that didn’t involve you.
Some guy robbed a local gas station and stole $700 worth of cigarettes. I wonder what he’ll do with both packs.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!