Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.

i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”

In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.

[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.

I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.

Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.

What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.

What I actually buy in Aldi:

ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?

me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints

jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you

Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold

Years ago I went to a job placement agency.

I left disappointed.

Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.

Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!

~later~

5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit

You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.

I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers

Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people

my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week

Loan Officer: And the reason for the loan?

Me: I need printer ink.

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.

Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.

*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT

Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?

Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week

Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it