Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.

Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.

Brouhaha (noun): the feeling of joy upon discovering someone has made you a cup of tea.

[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?

Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”

How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”

No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.

gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…

*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*

waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

me: i’d love it

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.