Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”

Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it

5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”

Father: I love both my sons equally.

Max: I know that, dad.

Min: I have my doubts.

90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.

I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.

Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?

If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…

Except I don’t do housework.

I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.

Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.

A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.

Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.

[1st date]

[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor

Her: “How’s your meal?”

[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.

But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.

Stay woke, friends.

People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.

Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket

Me: I’m eating for two now.

Him: Oh, are you pregnant?

Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?

If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!

Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor

i’m laughing very hard in real life

my body: please, eat something green

me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.