Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.

Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.

ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?

If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either

Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!

Drilling for oil is well boring.

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA

Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out

Her: I read on Facebook…

Me: I’m going to stop you there.

ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year

my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad

[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”

In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.

The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”

I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it

VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?

ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.

“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”

Not paying bills.

Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January

anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”

And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”