Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

6yo: *non stop talking*

Me: *tells 6yo to go read*

6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*

[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT

I’d climb the deepest ocean for you.

Who would of thunk it folks, having a mask, rubber gloves, bleach and hand sanitizer is now acceptable to have in your vehicle.

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.

Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

(NASA)

HQ: Good launch everyone.

Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?

NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:

Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”

Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂

He was so close.

My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004

Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?

Me: Yes

(No they had not)

I ran into one of my students at the grocery store with some wine in my cart and he said “that’s because of us isn’t it?”

I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny

My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.

A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.

“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”

Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.

The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.

i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph

Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry