Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry

(I used a water pistol)

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.

My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.

*meeting an actual guy*

Him: Who’s your team?

Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants

I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.

I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

“How can I improve my cooking skills?”

Reddit: ummm methinks it was too hot in the kitchen for someone

Quora: Practice , avoid getting divorced that where it went down hill for me … [1/50]

Google A.i search result: Leave the gas burners on over night and kill any witnesses

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”

When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.

When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.

The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral

I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!

if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night

My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.

If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids

Do one person every day that scares you.

me: where do you live?

schrödinger’s cat: a box

me: I mean like what state

cat: both of them