Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’

My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.

husband: do you know where the thing is

me: can I buy a noun

People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS

My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank

accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl

I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.

Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then

[inside a tornado]

Dad: wind’s really pickin up

What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s

A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera

“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago

Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog

I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.

Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house

If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.

Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.

I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.

You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower

So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.

Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.

Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo