Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

[bank robbery]

Me: this is a hold up

[later at the police station]

Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?

Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station

casting director: can you play a Canadian?

me: eh?

casting director: [under breath] holy shit

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy

I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.

People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it

Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something new

Pfff….poetry is easy

Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover

“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.

Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess

*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona

People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away

surgeon: are… are you still awake?

me: man i got a lot going on right now

“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”

[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]

“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”

dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore

Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.

Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’