“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
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sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
*drops off box to Salvation Army*
“Sir, why is this box marked W I F E?”
*peels out*
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
Dr: do you eat healthy?
Me: of course I eat the quinoas, the kales
Dr:
Me: the hummuses
Dr: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Not all heroes wear capes….
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom