“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
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I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
😂💯
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah