Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

surely this is the hangover that will teach me my lesson

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*

Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

Husband: you should get out of the house more

Me: *goes shopping*

Husband: not like that

I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!

(Sigh)

I just don’t know what to keep it in….

Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?

Librarian: stop talking

[my funeral]

PRIEST: we are here for Robert-

*one guy in the back of the room boos*

I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?

FISHERMAN: Which one?

Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?

Me: When she comes

Him: I know but when

Me: When she comes dude

Him: That’s not a time

Me: I’m going off of the information I have

Him: Do you know the horses she has?

Me: Yes six white horses

Him: See how do you know that

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.

Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?

Aaaaaand tweet.

🙁
turn that frown upside down
):

If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme

“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.