“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
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I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him