You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
You Might Also Like
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
me irl
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.