You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
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Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once