You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
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Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?