You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
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At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Peter Parker Peter Driver
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Listen. You’ve been saying this for the last eight and a half months. I still don’t know what you’re “expecting”
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Voter fraud started when I lost People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive in 1997.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
the internet really was better 18 years ago
How do you make a cat stand completely still?
Press paws.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.