You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
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[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
i- i did not expect this
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Battery falling down a hole
Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
No regrets in 2018
