You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
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Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!