You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
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baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
when its election nite and you get wasabi in your eye
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
My 4 year old took 2 hours and 3 separate sittings to eat a slice of cake. I don’t even know who this kid is anymore.