Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.

HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]

[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?

[typing ellipses for a solid minute]

HER: yes

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING

“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.

do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.

I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.

If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?

My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.

Then he turned to wrestling.

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands