You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
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They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
daughter: can i keep the night light on?
me: and provide the monsters with a beacon to your location? use your head, sweetie
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
Imagine how many people would be archers if we had to hunt tacos like ducks
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]