You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
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If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I have the bruises of a much more active person.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
I’m sorry…what?
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Stop it! 😂
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
Today I quit drinking wine for good.
Now I only drink for evil.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll