Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

As a kid I wasn’t allowed to dress up and go trick or treating. So as an adult I enjoy it even more, and wish there were more satanic holidays.

People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?

A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…

Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.

Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person

I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

Update on my fitness journey: at the farmers’ market my wife handed me a bag of celery and said, “careful, it’s heavy.”

So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners

Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends

Neo:

Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland

Neo:

Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle

Neo: What-

Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle

When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’

It was a house fire.

When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.

It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.

I yelled what does BMX stand for?

He replied “DUI”.

“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.

Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.

I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.

You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..

You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor

HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.

ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!

Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album