Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.

White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.

ㅤ

When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.

Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours

“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”

“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”

*David hangs up*

Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:

you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers

my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm

The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)

When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.

People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.

The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.

HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD

I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.

I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you

I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*

Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.

Her: Why don’t you get married?

Me: I’ve never been that hungry.

Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.