You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.
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Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
🤣😈🤣
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
I occasionally drink every single night.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.