You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
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I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.
Best table by far
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
is it earth
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
wish me luck lads
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”