You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
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*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My 2yo was concerned about a bruise on his knee so I said “don’t worry it will go away soon” and he earnestly asked “where will it go? in the bin?”
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed