Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*

6yo: Are we there yet?

“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate

If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.

Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..

Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days

Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.

That’s just how Julius Caesar.

The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.

Me :

All Day At Night

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.

Did you know that simply replacing your cup of coffee in the morning with a refreshing glass of water can leave you both hydrated and in a terrible mood for the rest of the day?

when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am

Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.

Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.

MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s Day

MAR 16: middle child, left out as usual

Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks

Larry (a garden gnome):

Me: oh my god you’re so handsome

Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place

Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect

Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho

OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail

Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.

Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.

Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.

I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.

*working in pediatric ER*

kid: *pointing* what are those wipes

me: these are special wipes we use in the hospital to kill bacteria and viruses and keep surfaces clean 😊

kid: viruses aren’t technically alive so you can’t kill them

kids mom: honey don’t embarrass the doctor