You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
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Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Two types of dogs.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Just bought a universal remote control.
…I really wish, this changes everything..
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re