Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…

ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.

I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me

Feels

Uh oh 👀

I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

Me: I’d like to see your music zebras

Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day

Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?

Well played men, well played…

Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan

Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.

At Walmart this lady was trying to reach the top shelf by stepping on a lower shelf, she knocked over a jar and salsa was all over the place, she says can you help me? So I handed her a bag of Fritos from the top shelf.

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.

Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space

if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie

Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation

A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out

Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date

Me: ok brag that you get to the third date

Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.

Today, Mike is missing.

Don’t be like Mike.