You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
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Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
If Rosanne Barr married Raymond Burr before divorcing him and going on to marry Roger Black, Meryl Streep, Derek Hough, Michelle Yeoh, Gok Wan then finally settling down with a toothed whale, her full surname would be Barr Burr Black Streep Hough Yeoh Wan Narwhal.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
me refusing to leave twitter
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.