Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?

CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.

We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.

A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.

My kids lost a Barbie shoe.

I dug in the trash and found one.

It was from a set they didn’t know was missing

Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.

pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that

i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle

HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?

My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks

The symmetry is uncanny.

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.

This meal prepping shit easy

I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.

Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.

TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.

I just post them. I don’t explain them.

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.

– Reasons why I drink

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.

Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented

The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.