Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.

Him: tell me about your longest relationship

Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?

It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry mat

Yes, it’s another four mat tweet.

CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?

SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.

my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo

*me, at high school prom

Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

Just witnessed a white girl take a selfie with her coffee in Starbucks. I always heard the legends but never thought I’d see it in the wild.

Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways

Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.

Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?

My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.

*closes window*

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?

Fireman: ….

{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?

This meeting could have been a pajama party.

So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.

They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands

All: BOOOO!

kid: I am telling mom

I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.

She’s still answering it.

My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.

[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.

Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.

Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando

Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.

Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.

I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber