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I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
sugar glider wrangler
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.