“You can’t just erase people out of your life”
Me:
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My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
one time in med school a doctor I was working with said he would only learn my name if I got all of his anatomy questions correct (???)
so I said I would only learn his name if he got all of my pokemon questions correct
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
What does a Thesaurus eat for breakfast?
A synonym roll.
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it