Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

[on the way home]

Me: I have some tea to share with you

13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?

Me: no, tea as in like gossip

13: what, what brand is that?

Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.

Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …

I don’t like grudges. My Aunt kept grudges. I’ve always hated her for it.

In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.

her: i’m leaving you.

me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard

her: YES

me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk

handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts

You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again

-Plagiarists

For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons

Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.

A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.

becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.

her: wanna go upstairs

me: ok

her: do u have protection

me: [nervously] why what’s up there

Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

I touch myself when I think of you.

It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.

[3am]

WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…

ME: *suddenly awake*

WIFE: …teach me calculus?

ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.

All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!

-if bras could talk

I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.

Cashiers are always checking me out

[first day as a crime scene photographer]

me: pretty weak lighting in here

*drags the corpse outside*