You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.
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Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
My wedding will be open casket.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.