You can’t just say “Goddammit!” and expect Me to damn it. There’s a procedure. File the paperwork.
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*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…