You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
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6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Try a grape in the produce section and it’s ok but try a leg of rotisserie chicken and you get escorted out of the store
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
edward fingerhands
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
The Wolf of Wall Street.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher