You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.
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“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
someone please tell my husband that no one can hear him yelling driving tips at them from inside our car.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
In case you needed to hear it:
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad