Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

Help me practice my knife throwing skills.

You catch.

My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.

Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!

*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!

My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.

I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

If I owned a dog daycare I would call it Deez Mutts

Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee

Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?

Silicon valley: no.

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”

I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.

Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.

Roses are red,
Daisies are free.

I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?

Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name

I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.

TIME TRAVELLER: No

WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

EARTH:

SUN: please dont

EARTH: 🎶you-

SUN: seriously dude come on

EARTH: 🎶spin me right round

SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round

EARTH: 🎶like a record baby

SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?

Me: What do you mean?

4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?

A conversation between 2 vegans:

“I’m a vegan.”

“I’m a vegan too.”

“Oh.”

“So…you’re a vegan?”

“Yes, I am a vegan.”

“Me too.”

There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.

You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.