me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
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Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.