@david8hughes

You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

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@HTHRFLWRS

DO YOU EVER THINK ABOUT HOW CARS CAN NEVER TOUCH ONE ANOTHER WITHOUT CAUSING DAMAGE. THE TRUE MISERY OF THE METAL FLESH IS ISOLATION. A CAR MAY NEVER CUDDLE ANOTHER CAR

@markleggett

Unemployment gives you time to follow your true passion: Worrying about money.

@BlindChow

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

@ItsAndyRyan

Producer: Any ideas?
Bruce Willis: There are 4 elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Great! What else?
Bruce: You know there are five senses…
Half an hour later
Bruce: So what if there TWELVE monkeys?

@KKBowls

Don’t hand out condoms to high school students. Take away their deodorant and toothbrush. That’ll cut down teen pregnancy

@TweetsByKaylee

[heaven]

god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.

cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish

@jennalynn518

Whenever a bill collector calls I just give the phone to my toddler and tell her it’s Barney.

@cepheusjackson

[SCIENCE FAIR]

ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.

PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.

OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.