You can’t keep eating people’s lunches from the break room & blaming the Taliban. A lot of what you’ve been stealing is pork for one thing.

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“Trent! Your only job was to prep the classroom for Diversity Day!”
ME: *in full scuba gear* look, I think “diver city day” could be fun too


The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…and the dentist. You should definitely fear the dentist.


[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No


Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk


All these Email scams must make it hard for Legitimate Nigerian Royalty to share large sums of cash with strangers!


She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue


Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?


[interview after losing a fight]
“What happened out there?”
*interviewer doesnt look*
Ugh didnt work on u either


Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex