You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
You Might Also Like
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
(The most unconvinced I have ever been in my life) that makes sense
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Store was out of the size I requested, so this was their substitute and now I gotta open a diner
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.