Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.

“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other

Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’

her: the moon is so romantic tonight

me: how

the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey

me: h-[blushing] hey

I may have bags under my eyes, but they’re Versace.

Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.

I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof

My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.

Laziness level: expert.

If you give a man a fish, that fish is basically gone. Way to lose your fish

I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.

“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.

Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.

Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed

I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.

*ignores high blood pressure*

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.

It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane