YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
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What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.