Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉

Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.

me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait

Classic German Shepherd 😂

Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.

My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?

Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video

I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty

Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

[movie date]

me: i snuck in some snacks

date: omg !!!!!

me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads

You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.

*30 years into the Apocalypse*

Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?

*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*

Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.

The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.

We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.

“You better not laugh. You better not cry.” — Santa Claus, gynecologist

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.